What to tell your child about Santa?

Well, I was thinking about this in the shower awhile back, and… Having an intelligent child, of course my child will question the existence of Santa, especially when their friends start to tell them he’s fake. So, what will I do? First, I’ll apply to their logical minds, and then I’ll spin them a colorful believable tale (in the mind of a child, of course).

Child: Mommy, does Santa really exist? One of my friends told me he wasn’t real.

Come here, let me tell you a little secret.
Tell me, what have you been told about Santa?

(they tell you)

I see. Everything you have been told up until this point has been a lie. But I’m going to tell you the truth.
You’ll have to keep quiet about this, because not a lot of people know and if the wrong people find out… there’s no telling what will happen.

You see, Santa doesn’t actually visit every child in the world’s house to deliver presents on Christmas Eve. No, that would be logistically impossible, even if he did have some sort of magic to instantly teleport to each house. Once you factor in even at least 30 seconds to go down the chimney, reach into his bag and put out all of the presents, you have to think…

There are nearly 2 billion children in the world. So this means Santa would have to spend 30 seconds at 2 billion houses. That is 4 billion minutes in a single night. Do you know how long that is?

66,666,666 hours, which is 2,777,777 days, or 7,610 years. Even if Santa only spent 15 seconds, or even only 5 seconds, it would still be thousands of years every single year, which makes it impossible.

Santa would have to freeze time, but there’s no way Santa would spend thousands of years every single year just to deliver presents to little children. Nobody is that nice, and as we know… time travel isn’t really possible. That’s just made up.

No. The truth is… Santa does really exist, but what everyone has told you has been a lie. You’ve just been told stories to deceive small children, but you’re smart. Don’t be deceived any longer.

You see, Santa does really live up at the North Pole, but he doesn’t visit houses on Christmas Eve. In truth, Santa has a massive mind controlling device that uses the earth’s magnetic field on both poles to control a massive mind controlling device that he uses each year to control every child’s parents every year to go out and buy them gifts.

Yes. I, too, have been victim of this. Even the Santa at the mall, all of them are just ordinary people that have been mind controlled by Santa Claus to go to the mall and gather the lists of presents that children want. Sometimes he will even control little people, or others, to pretend to be elves.

You see, the reason he does this is because Santa can’t read nor control the minds of children. So he must control these fake Santas to gather what their presents will be. He will also use the parents. In fact, it’s more convenient to use the child’s parents, as they will be the ones controlled to gather the gifts.

And you see, Santa himself does not have infinite resources nor a horde of elves slaving away for him. No, he has each parent use their own money to buy their children gifts. It’s ingenius, really.

The whole thing’s a big cover up so while kids are actually still young enough to do anything about it, they don’t even know about it. And most kids that do find out about it, well, they actually like the presents… so they don’t do anything.

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One thought on “What to tell your child about Santa?

  1. jaybug says:

    Why don’t you just tell your kid Santa is a surf nazi? And Surf Nazis must die!

    I kind of think that by the time they can follow you in the math, they will already know Santa doesn’t really exist.

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